Exploring the Spiritual Journey: Finding Purpose and Faith.

I never knew what love was until I started diving deep into the word. My perspective on the world was so straight forward and simple. No one could ever change my mind about what I believed. In my eyes, I was never going to be good enough for anyone around me and that included God. I would make it my routine to pray about every sin that I committed at every second of the day. Sounds incredibly exhausting, right?

Well, not for me. I truly believed that I was destined for hell, and I can’t even tell you why. It was more of a feeling rather than a reaction to an action I made. In my heart, I loved God more than anything, but I was always so afraid that He hated me. I have experienced a lot of painful situations. At times, I would contribute it to being punished for a mistake that I made.

“If I say no, they won’t love me anymore.”

“Obviously, I am not a good Christian/person.”

“They hurt me because I deserve it.”

“I don’t even want to be here anymore.”

“If I want God to love me, I need to stop sinning.”

“God will love me more if I do this…”

“I wish I was skinnier, more intelligent, prettier,….”

That is the most absurd outlook and I want to hug the woman I used to be. Everything is a test of faith, love, patience, and strength. We are supposed to trust in God and rely on His word to guide us through our endeavors. I failed to put my faith in Him and that led me to harming myself, mentally and physically. I was more concerned about what people thought about me and what they wanted from me.

When we listen more to man/the world, we are destroying the beautiful plan that God has in store for us. I have learned so much lately and I am so immensely appreciative to those around me. I have always been a Christian, but now I can say it without a twinge in my stomach. I can say it while verily feeling the love of Jesus and wanting others to feel the same. I am not saying that I am free from suffering, because that is not true for anyone.

However, my heart and mind have been altered for the better. I have determined that I must be at peace that I will never be completely free from sin. I will follow the Bible to the best of my abilities and no matter what is thrown my way, I will trust that God has a purpose for me. So, please do not give into your flesh. It’s never worth it and you will crave more of what is intentionally destroying you.